(no subject)

[blackberry444]

I've invented a whizzo new pastime. Every day I make a list of things I have to do including things left over from the previous list, and then I deliberately fail to do them. It gives me enormous satisfaction! Occasionally I find that I've actually done one or two things on the list without realising it, which is a bit disconcerting, but on the whole it works very well.

Today I've done absolutely nothing but mess about on the Internet. I uploaded quite a few more photos to Flickr and I cooked the dinner, but apart from that I've done nothing constructive at all. This is partly because I've been trying to stop myself thinking about something.

This morning a chap called Steve phoned Charles about giving him a part-time job on his CD stall in Grainger Market and asking him to go for an interview tomorrow morning. I know that Charles is terribly anxious and nervous about it, even though he would rather like the job, and I've had to try really hard not to fuss and tell him what to wear, or say or do. I know that the man is a nice guy who knows the score about Charles, and I've actually seen him, because it's the place I always buy Christmas present CDs for John. Both the chaps who work there are about my age and into all the sorts of music I like and people our age grew up with.

I've been so worked up about Charles getting worked up about it, that I've been feeling physically sick. I actually thought I was going to throw up after dinner, but fortunately that has passed somewhat. I don't know whether Charles is managing to sleep. He went up at 9.00 and said he was going straight to bed, but I imagine him lying there in the dark, sleeplessly worrying himself sick about it. I don't think I'll be sleeping much either, as I've promised to wake him early and nowadays when I have to wake early I have trouble sleeping anyway, apart from worrying about him.

It would be such a great thing for him to get a job and hold it down, and particularly for him to enjoy it. He hasn't worked except for me since Spring 1999, so it's a big step and a great leap forward if he succeeds.

Oh God! I'm so anxious for him and I'm praying so hard that he'll be OK and get the job if he wants it.

Oh dear! I must stop this. I've started to feel sick again and I've got a splitting headache.

Today, after seeing photos of Shirley Bassey in her posh stage frock and diamanté wellies, I searched on the Internet for snazzy wellies, just in case the weather for Holly's wedding is too awful. It's amazing how many different kinds of snazzy wellies there are. Unfortunately they're far too expensive and the tops are not big enough for my fat legs. The little half-boots don't seem to come in anywhere near as many nice styles.

Perhaps I'll find my khaki gardening clogs and embellish them myself!!

Comments

[hooloovoo_42]

I really hope things work out for Charles.

[femsc.livejournal.com]

So do I. It would boost his confidence no end, I'm sure. It wouldn't do you any harm, either, because you'll be able to stop worrying about him for a bit. Fingers crossed that all works out.

[blackberry44.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I *do* hope he gets it because, as you say, it would boost his confidence and he surely needs that. It would also help to re-socialise him as he's become a bit of a hermit. If he doesn't get it, it might put him back a bit.

I don't suppose I'll ever stop worrying about him, but it would be nice if he could get his life back on the rails. All I want is for him to be happy.

[blackberry44.livejournal.com]

Thanks. He's at the interview right now. I'm sitting here on tenterhooks, feeling horribly sick.

[cat63.livejournal.com]

I hope it went well. Interviews are horrid at the best of times.

[femsc.livejournal.com]

How did it go?

[blackberry44.livejournal.com]

I stayed awake till 3.00 am, when Charles apparently woke up and stewed till I got up at 7.30.

He got there on time, but he was incredibly anxious. John took him to the city centre, but he walked back and when he arrived home he said he did badly at the interview, he didn't like the chap who interviewed him and he didn't want the job. They won't let him know for a couple of weeks, but he feels sure they won't offer it to him.

In any case, the pay was minimum wage, which is fair enough, but the job was for 22 hours a week, which I'm not sure he could do and still get benefit. I don't want him getting off benefit until we're absolutely sure that he can hack it because of all the hoops he has to jump through to get it again.

He did say, when he came back that he wasn't completely sure he's well enough to do this yet, but as I pointed out to him, a year ago he would no more have been able to go to an interview alone than fly.

He's upstairs asleep and I still have my headache and feel sick. I hope he'll be feeling happier when he wakes up; at least he doesn't have to be anxious about it any more.

[femsc.livejournal.com]

Has he been to many interviews, or is this his first in a long while? If he was negative then his attitude will have come across very clearly to the stallholder and it's likely he won't be offered the job. On the other hand, if he managed to hide is feelings sufficiently well they may well offer it to him. It would be a shame for him to lose his benefit - is there a sort of safety net available? Can you and John go to the Benefits Agency (or whatever they're called this week) and explain the situation, saying that although Charles is looking for work you're by no means confident that he'll be able to hold down a job? There must be some sort of what-have-you for situations like this, surely?

It's a great shame that people lose benefit when they do voluntary work. It would be good for Charles to do something, even if it's not paid employment. And of course even voluntary work can be used to good effect on a CV, as well as boosting one's self-esteem.

The benefits system we have is reasonably good, but there seem to be so many places where it falls down rather badly. This sort of situation is one such place.

I'll be hoping along with everyone else that Charles finds something fulfilling to do, even if it doesn't reap much of a financial reward. It seems to me that the important thing for him is to have a reason to get up in the morning; something to which he has to give commitment. He'll find that a whole lot easier if he is enjoying whatever it is he ends up doing. Meanwhile, have a hug and a cup of refreshing tea. And remember that if he's been able to sleep then so should you.

[blackberry44.livejournal.com]

He prolly was a bit negative because he has such a bad self-image, but I think the stall-holder knows that he's had a long-term mental illness, so would make allowances, or so I should hope. The real problem was more likely to have been that, although polite, he was very likely a bit terse. He finds it difficult to speak to people until he's got to know them. He's OK with shop assistants and similar sort of people, but if he has to talk about himself, he clams right up.

We don't need to ask the Benefits people to find out about this as Charles has a whole team of Mental Elves, one of whom is coming this afternoon, and they will certainly know all the regulations, or if they don't, they will easily be able to find out.

I agree with you about the voluntary work, but I have suggested it several times in the past, to be met with a decisive "No! I don't want to do that!"

He wants to get a job because he feels that he's "a parasite" (his word) and wants to earn enough money to contribute to the household (which he already does, he gives me half of his benefit) and to be able to buy CDs, books, clothes and so forth.

[femsc.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. I know what you meant about not being able to cope in social situations - my Robert's like that. At 19 he won't instigate a conversation unless he really has to, because he simply doesn't know what he should say, or why he should say it.

It's a pity he feels like that about voluntary work. It would be a good way to ease himself back into a working environment, without having the pressure of having to commit himself to regular hours. He could even help out at a mental elf place for a few hours, because his insight might be valuable on so many levels - the point is that it's a stepping stone back to a more 'normal' (not the right word at all but hopefully you know what I mean) life. You've probably already been through all that with him many times though...

He's hardly a parasite - he's giving you half his benefit which is more than he needs to (probably) and you've mentioned several times that he helps you at home and does cooking and maintenance etc. It's not like he sits on his backside doing nowt all day long, expecting to be waited on hand, foot and finger.

I understand the need for financial independence, but maybe he needs to take it in stages and little steps rather than jumping straight in to the deep end. I expect you've told him that, as well.

It's not easy being a parent at times, is it. Have another cup of Lady Grey and try to stop worrying quite so much. You'll not stop worrying completely, but you might be able to get rid of some of your own stress - you don't need extra worries on top of everything else and your own health will suffer if you spend too much time worrying about what you can't change.

(And one day I may even take my own advice )

[femsc.livejournal.com]

"(And one day I may even take my own advice )"

There was meant to be a wry grin after that, but it didn't show up.