Blackberry's journal

I've had a few days when I've felt totally exhausted.  My knee has been a bit better so I've been sleeping better, but of course, I have a huge sleep deficit from the last few weeks of bad sleep.

Today was cardiac rehab and I didn't feel that I did as well as last week.  I seemed to get tired more quickly and I felt rather depressed afterwards.  It seems as though I'm going to take a lot longer to get a bit fitter than I hoped and maybe won't be as fit as I hoped........or, oh, I don't know......... And it was suggested to me today that I couldn't go swimming, if ever, until the cardiologist allowed me to do so.  Aside from the fact that I've been too nervous to go swimming since the atrial fibrillation started, it felt a bit odd at 64 years of age to hear that I'm not allowed to do something, even though I know that it's actually out of the question for me at the moment anyway and I'm too afraid to do it alone.  But not allowed??

I suppose, when I consider how long it's been since I've been able to do any real exercise, I should be more patient.  After all, even before I was diagnosed with cancer and had my mastectomy I'd had to stop exercising for a few months while I recovered from sciatica, and the chemotherapy took so much out of me that it's probably three years since I had any real exercise.  I'm so impatient and so frustrated!

The hedge has finally been cut back.  John went out and did it for me, because I was just too shattered to do anything myself.  It makes me so mad to be so helpless!  Nothing's been done in the yard because it's been so cold out there, in spite of the sun we've had.  I'm going to have to learn to forgive myself for not doing the things I've always done, but it's so hard!

At the moment I can't even concentrate on writing, because no sooner do I sit down and start thinking than I fall asleep!!  It's so annoying!

I have managed to do a little rearranging in my room, because I just do five minutes at a time and ask for help for things I can't reach;  I feel a disproportionate sense of achievement for the pathetically small amount I've got done.

Yesterday evening I wasted several hours downloading and installing Version 3 of Firefox.  It was so peculiar.  It seemed to suffer from some form of gigantism and there was nothing I could do to get it to resize.  The toolbars were taking up the top third of the screen and the icons were huge and fuzzy, and almost glowing;  they were so big that there was insufficient room on the toolbars for even the things I have to have there, and that was apparently the size of the "small" icons.  Eventually I did a system restore and reinstalled version 2.0somethingorother.  Fortunately I had backed the whole thing up before I started messing about with it, so it's now finally manageable again, although I still have some fine tuning to do with font sizes and so forth.  At least I didn't lose all my bookmarks this time!
I'm considering trying it again but keeping the file well away from the rest of the Mozilla stuff, so that it can't corrupt anything and then working on it when I have more time.  Maybe at the weekend.

Tomorrow is my writing course and this week we're meeting at the Laing Gallery, presumably to see an exhibition to inspire us.  I'm rather looking forward to it.  Friday I have to work for Caroline.  Her work is now rather behind because I had to cancel twice while I had the horrid coff, so I hope I'm OK to go on Friday.  I expect I shall be.

I'm supposed to be going to a lovely Poetry Evening at Penny's next Monday, but I think I may have to give it a miss.  Last time I went it was so crowded I couldn't sit comfortably and I had knee problems for a week afterwards.  Since I was a lot fitter then than I am now, I think maybe it would be best to give it a miss this year.  On the other hand, I really want to go........

God, I am in a self-pitying mood today.  I think I should go to bed!